What with all the dire predictions of what will happen to our computers on 1/1/00 (more on this below), I thought it would be handy to have some uses for your dead computer come doomsday:
Stacked neatly, they make great replacements for concrete blocks in "college-style" bookshelves.
Hang monitors underneath your SUV to give a neon-style blue glow on the road. (I choose SUVs because they're high enough, and it gives a chance to combine this with another really useless trend of the `90s).
If you can get the fish screen saver working, it makes an endless source of amusement for your cat. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit version will work equally well for your teenage son (but there's a lot more drooling with the human).
Use as props in office to increase the "high tech" look. Three or more on a desk gives you the "stockbroker look," while 10 or more emulates the "network engineer" look. For true realism in the "engineer" mode, at least half should not be working anyway (torn halfway apart is even better).
Use the disconnected keyboard to make clicking sounds while on the phone, thus reassuring your caller that you are really not paying attention.
Name the next decade
In my bid to stake a claim on a phrase before Dennis Lane does, here's a proposal for the soon-to-be outdated "That's life in the `90s." Replace it with "That's life in the Oh-Ohs." Pronunciation of the last part should sound like what your mother wants you to say when something really bad happens. Panic now, and avoid the rush
Part of the driving force in the "end of the world" Y2K panic are, let's face it, people who plan to make a handsome profit from it. Besides the dried food, bottled water and electric generator salesmen, there are thinly disguised investment "advisors."
What causes this sour assessment is a 28-page full color collection of more exclamation marks and used bull food than I have ever seen. Starting with a cover showing the earth with a fuse burning and red letters proclaiming "Millennium Meltdown" and continuing through predictions of "how the President is likely to use Executive Orders to seize total control of the economy, and even extend his term in office--citing Y2K as his excuse," it goes on and on and on.
It would be bad enough if this was being done to hype a book (which it is, not surprisingly, titled How To Prosper in the Hard Times Ahead) or push for buying gold (also in here, with a transparent piece of advice on which firm to use). Sprinkled amongst the quotes of "why your government checks are doomed" and "major banking panics ahead" are hints on what stocks to buy in firms specializing in Y2K activity. Pardon my cynicism, but I'll bet this "advisor" has loaded up on options on these before putting these little hints out in his brochure. Enough said.
Funnily enough, another thing being sold is a two-year subscription to an advice service that features "Instant E-Mail Updates." Isn't all of this supposed to implode in a heap of ashes in ten months? Maybe his Internet is different from all the rest of us. Yes, payment in advance is required.
