As I write this, we all look back on a period of malicious mental junk. Hackers have been busy with the SirCam and Nimda viruses, among the more widespread and publicized, as well as dozens of the usual suspects. What is particularly ugly about these is the multiple quick ways they spread. The Nimda, for instance, does not even require you to open an e-mail. All you have to do is visit an infected web site, and the virus is very good at going out and visiting as many web sites as possible and infecting any it finds vulnerable. The really disgusting part of this is that it sets a new "standard" for other idiots to follow: The knowledge that it can be done this way will inspire others to use it for future, more damaging viruses, and the hacker sites will happily spread the knowledge of how it was done. Humbug. The only defense the rest of us have is constant updating of our virus checkers.

The hoaxsters have been busy exploiting our paranoia about germ warfare to send the police and hazmat teams on dozens of false alarms for fake powders in envelopes, etc. The media helps to feed this, of course, by spotlighting Live Team Coverage of every instance, showing shots of yellow-suited mutants carrying out another package.

To wrap this all together, I have heard a (yet unconfirmed) account of a virus spread through a message called "What you need to know about Anthrax." Nice touch.

So let's get our minds off all this by talking about Microsoft. The latest version of Windows, XP, is now out and about. As always, it is advisable for people to sit back and wait six months if possible, listening for cries of wonder or of pain-either is very instructive-and let MicroSquash get the major bugs out. The people who are really stuck are those who order from Gateway, Dell, etc., who ship it out the day it becomes available. It was fun to see the media event of the distribution of the "gold standard" disks of XP to the big manufacturers. Representatives of the manufacturers were given disks, and proceeded to run to helicopters that whisked them away. Fleeing the scene of the crime, high tech style.

Anyway, XP automatically directs you to "approved" (read: paid licensed) web sites for music downloads (read: paid, in bed with Microsoft), digital photo printing (read: not Kodak, which ticked them off big time, enough to lean on MS. Nothing like losing out on the most lucrative part of the new digital photo market to get their attention), etc. There is also a digital ID called Passport for web shopping that is a privacy advocate's nightmare. (But trust u s, we're Microsoft, and we're here to help you.)

The biggest change is the requirement to register your Windows by going online and letting Microsoft take a "snapshot" of your machine (hard drive type and size, CD-ROM brand, etc.) to keep you from using the new disks on multiple machines. If you don't comply and get the activation number, Windows dies after 30 days. So what happens if you need to replace your dead CD, or upgrade your hard drive in three years? If you're like 90% of people, you will not be able to find the paperwork to call them to argue for re-activation. But hey, I'm sure they'll have a new, even more improved operating system out by them.

So what does XP really stand for, if not eXPerience as they claim? The best guess I've heard is eXtra Pepperoni. Makes sense. Imagine the scenario: The computer recognizes that it's 11 p.m., and you've been working for five hours. All of a sudden, another of those impossible-to-kill pop-ups appears, offering to connect you to an "approved" pizza vendor. Anyway, it will come pre-packaged with the (heavily researched) eight most-favorite toppings. Don't want the mushrooms? Sorry, you'll have to remove them manually, and mail them back to customer service in the original unopened package for a rebate.

Enough of this. I think I'll go grill a burger. If I start now to plant corn to feed the cow, it'll probably be faster.